Author Archives: olivebranchfamilycounseling

Growing Pains – How the seemingly inopportune can become the opportune

Root in hand Rev1

“And having no root in themselves they endure but for a time.  But when trouble comes they quickly fall away” Mark 4:17

 

Scripture reminds us repeatedly and sternly that we are not to lose heart due to the troubling events in our lives, as they are not fully what they may seem;  whether the exodus from Egypt, the wanderings in the desert, entering into the promise land, choosing a king, maintaining the stability and integrity of the nation, or the beginning and flourishing of the Church.  There is a tension that runs throughout all of scripture: that of trusting in God to guide and sustain our lives or believing that the events in our world are as they seem, and we are left to our own devices to provide, protect, and care for ourselves.

Unfortunately, believing as if we are left to our own devices often brings with it feelings of anxiety, stress, and depression.  Feeling threatened and overwhelmed, we often dig-in to protect ourselves, and this often results in sin and conflict with others – who, by the way, are also struggling with the same things we are.   These poor responses often perpetuate a bad situation or even make things worse. It is no wonder that Jesus said that those with no root do not endure when trouble comes.

What is significant about the root that is so necessary for endurance?  First, a root acts as an anchor. One of its functions is to keep the plant in the ground, so when the storms and the winds blow, the plant can remain steadfast.  But the root is not an ordinary anchor; it is a living, active anchor. It feeds and sustains the body which stands above.

From whence does the root draw its nutrients to feed and sustain the body?  Perhaps the most interesting thing about the root is the place where it resides.  The root lives in the underworld, a world of darkness and decay. It is a shadowy realm of mystery, a place of obscurity where the eyes do not penetrate.  It is the very place where Jesus says elsewhere that the seed must die prior to obtaining a new life. It is this shadowy underworld that provides the elements of life.  It is not something that the plant can see, or even that it asks for. It is just provided to the plant.

This takes us directly into the realm of Providence, as the plant is being provided and cared for.  Nowhere is perhaps Providence so conspicuously demonstrated than in that region the world has so commonly referred to as Mother Earth.  Here, however, our attention is directed to the power that transcends, utilizes, and even coordinates the activities of this lower realm.  This dark, cool, and deathly region is the material our loving Father uses to bring about new life in us. As we transverse blindly through the valley of the shadow of death and can feel the encroaching dark forces of disorder and dismay, we can always hope for new life and mended souls.

Our lives are often immersed in events or circumstances that feel like that deathly region inhabited by the root.  These moments that flood our inner worlds with fear, hopelessness, hurt, and despair effectively cover our mind in darkness and leaves us turning in on ourselves.  The light of hope grows dimmer and dimmer. As we turn inward, we realize how vanquished we really are. So the emergency sets in, and all the emotions and actions associated with our emergency become manifest.  However, our very responses often short-circuit the work or development that the situation was called to provide for. Our work, our devices, often seem to deliver more decay and destruction. We should not ignore the fact that these events are used by our loving Father to bring about new beginnings and needed change within us.  Why worry and fret? We can only judge our present conditions, and even that we can only do partially. Beyond that, each moment we are in His hands.

New life comes from God.  The things around us are more or less mute idols; they have no real power.  They are usually things we cast all our cares on, and the things we have set our ambitious sights toward.  But they can more often be instruments of death, rather than aids for life. New life comes from the Spirit that hovers over His created world as He works to refresh and revive the hopeless state of the barren and destitute.  When events seem to press in and we feel overwhelmed, we can remember that these circumstances are not permanent. Since there is a creative God that goes before us, we can stretch our mind and hearts beyond what we can see. We need not judge our present condition as an eternal state of despair but as the source of nutrients out of which new life will spring. Green pastures, an image often used to evoke a sense of calm and rest, must first emerge through that wretched underworld of darkness and decay.  

Oh Lord, please help us to not get tangled and choked up in the cares of this world, but turn our hearts toward you that we may receive your words of life.  May You nurture and feed us as a tree planted by living water

 

 

 

Pillars of Relationships: What our relationships Need to Survive

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          Good relationships can be thought of as a unity of mind and will. There exists a harmony among the members in both the ideas and goals pursued. This harmony is for the benefit of all involved as each gets to feed from the good that the relationship will come to bear. But we all know that relationships can be tricky business, and many of us experience this difficulty on a daily basis. When unity breaks, the relation often turns in on itself and works against the members involved. The purpose here is to outline three pillars necessary for any relationship, whether marriage, family, work, or friendships.

The first pillar is Truth: “speak every man truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another” Eph. 4:25. No social relationship can exist without truth. Without truth, there cannot be trust, and without trust people will recoil from those they find untrustworthy. Notice Paul says we are all members one of another; we form a body. Without truth disorder and confusion reign. Schism develops in the social body. But not only in the body, but a schism happens in our souls as well.

There are two facets of truth that I would like to review. They are honesty and simplicity.  Honesty has to do with the conformity of our words to our thoughts. For those who believe in only relative truth, the following may have little meaning. But for those who believe there is an objective reality, one that is true according to the designs imposed on it by the creator, then the connection between word and thought becomes more substantial. An untruth, or lie, represents a breach in the created order. Through it, we participate in an act that is opposed to our created nature; for we are rational creatures, and knowledge and truth are objects that belong to us as rational creatures. Therefore our lie creates a break in our souls. “Everyone utters lies to his neighbor; with flattering lips and a double heart they speak” – Psalms 12:2.  By our lies, we not only disrupt the order of our relationship, and do harm to the other, we harm ourselves as well. We introduce a disorder into the mental faculty of our soul. This disorder in the mind will bleed into other faculties as well. So not only will this corrupt our reasoning (namely that we believe we can meet reality with falsehood), it will be corrosive to our imaginations, our emotions, and then ultimately our wills. From there it works outward into our relations with others. Our conscience, through its nagging and accusing sentiments,  also testify to this corruption of our souls.

The other facet of truth can be expressed in the idea of simplicity. For our relationships to flourish, we need to represent ourselves as we truly are. Truthfulness encompasses not only our speech but also how we behave, dress, and the activities we engage it. The idea is to enable people to know us correctly, to know our real intentions. We are what we seem, we are genuine. We may be tempted to present a different self by attempting to display qualities that are not really a part of us. Or we hide certain other qualities about our self. Many feel uncomfortable showing hurt and sadness, so we often hid this and show anger. We hinder our relationships to the extent that we are not living a genuine life. To express or reveal ourselves genuinely can be terrifying for some of us, but we have a moral duty, both to ourselves and to others, to strive to be genuine.

The second pillar is pleasure. “A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike” – Proverbs 27:15. This sentiment is not limited to a wife and marriage, but is the same for all quarrelsome prone people. Much has been written about toxic and difficult people. Some people are just very painful to be around. Consequently, they will be lonely. Relationships need to be pleasurable to thrive. There is only so much pain that someone can endure from what another dishes out, and once that threshold is crossed, the union is severed. They may be together physically, but emotionally they are very distant. There is no longer unity, and this opens the door for opposition and ultimately decomposition of the relationship.

So what are the aids that help us contribute to making our relations more pleasurable? First of all, we can strive to be more flexible. Many of our conflicts arise from our own demands; we expect the other be as we would have them to be. Some of us are taking much more than we are giving. But we are told that “it is better to give than to receive”. When we are inflexible, we have a hard time yielding our wills and conceding to others. If I  am inflexible and expect the other to bend to meet my needs, I am essentially treating the other as a need-satisfying object.   I am not treating them as a person, but as an It as Buber put it; an object for me to use at my will.

The other aid is to be light-hearted. Many of us take ourselves way too seriously. If something does not go the way we planned, or if we feel slighted in some way, we often react in ways to boldly rectify the situation. However, to the one on the other side of the fence, the once looking at your face, you may be being received as toxic. You might want to ask yourself, “what make me so important?”. Or as St. Paul asked, “why not just be wronged?”

The next aid is to be kind-hearted. Here the focus is on the other rather than the self. A kind person is a giving person. They give their time, energy, and other resources. They can even yield or give in on their wants, demands, and expectations. In short, their egos. These people’s thoughts tend to be occupied on others, in particular, on how to bless them. This helps deflate our own ego as we are thinking and caring about the other. To be kind-hearted means that we can project ourselves into the lives of others. This helps prepare us to listen to the other and to seek to understand them because we are not too focused on our own agenda.

The last thing worth mentioning has to do with anger. Perhaps nothing is more detrimental to relationships as the nondiscretionary use and release of anger. Researchers have found a correlation that exists between the health of a marriage and the quantity of the positive to negative emotional exchanges among the spouses. When a marriage has a certain level (less than 5:1 ratio) of positive to negative emotional interchanges, the marriage is in danger. This simply means that when one is not sending much more positive than negative emotional messages, the relationship begins to reflect that emotional tone.  Anger (often expressed in irritation, or annoyance) is a negative and damaging emotion in any relationship. Who wants to be around someone who seems to be constantly annoyed or irritated with you? Even if this is not directed to you directly, it is still not pleasurable to be around someone with an angry disposition.

The last pillar of any good relationship has to do with goodness. “Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things” Phil. 4:8. We as humans have a certain nature, and our nature specifies which things are helpful to us, and which things are damaging. Whenever someone introduces a vice into the relationship, this will almost always have a harmful effect on the other. Substance abuse, pornography, and gambling just to name a few obvious ones. Less obvious but probably more commonly shared by most of us would be such vices as laziness, envy, contentious, thoughtlessness, inconstancy, back-biting, ingratitude, pride, intemperance, impatience, and quick-tempered.  All of these also work to the detriment of a relationship.

So, here are a couple of goods to go along with goodness. The first is goodwill. It is very helpful to have goodwill toward others, even if we are upset with them. A flourishing relationship exists when each has goodwill toward the other. Who does not feel more loved, safe, and appreciated when you know the other has your best interests at heart? The other good has to do with good objects. This has in mind the type of things we attach ourselves to. Here we are concerned with hitching ourselves to good behaviors, situations, and people. We reap what we sow. If we engage in bad behaviors, people, and situations, we cannot expect to come out unscathed. The bad that we attach ourselves to will invariably take its toll on the relationship.

This takes us full circle back to truth. There is an objective order to our life and world. If we operate against these objective principles that sustain our life and world, it is to our own detriment. As a lie goes against the truth of order that corrupts our knowledge, so does living a life without goodness corrode our souls and relationships.

 

 

 

Fear – Understanding & Combating

Fear – A Shrinking Back

            Fear can be a constant nagging, agitating, and even crippling feeling that affects many people. Sometimes we experience it as worry, and at other times it manifests as anxiety. It can disguise itself as something that is important to focus on, or a matter that needs immediate attention; or it can be a concern that if you do not address it, it will immediately alter everything in your life. Franklin D. Roosevelt once said: “There is nothing to fear but fear itself”. In life that is commonly true. How many times have we had an enormous fear of something happening; and then it actually does happen, and the thing that we were afraid of happening, when it occurs, is not nearly as bad as what we expected. Sometimes, though, fear is realized when a terrible event does occur, and it was worse than expected. Then that fear can be the fear of something bad happening all over again.  In the Bible, the phrase “Fear Not” is mentioned 365 times. It was so important to God, that he mentioned it enough times to cover every day of an entire year. Why is it so hard for us, though, to give up our fear? Is it because we feel that having that fear is somehow making us feel like we are responsible for the things we can’t control? How much can we really control in our lives anyways?

            Fear is classified as what is often referred to as an emergency emotion.  So, when we are in fear, the alarms and bells are sounding, signaling us to prepare for an emergency.  Fear represents an emotion of the overwhelmed. In other words, fear is a flight from some threat that we consider to be greater than what we can bear.  If an ordinary house cat walks up to me, I am not likely to fear. The cat poses no threat that is greater than I can bear. Now if I come across an unattended pit bull while walking down the street, I am very likely to fear.  This is because I consider the pit bull to be greater than my abilities to ward off.  

            We can see from this example that there are two variables to consider in the discussion of fear.  One has to do with the subject (in this case me), and the other has to do with the object (in this case the cat or dog).  If the object feared can easily overpower me, then I will experience fear. This is why fear is an emotion of overwhelm.  We fear those things that will overwhelm us, are bigger than us, and bring defeat. Additionally, we can look at how fear can be influenced both by ourselves, and the object feared.  In regard to ourselves, one consideration has to do with work or effort. We often fear those things that will require work or exerted effort on our part.   How often are we opposed  to doing something, or have a distaste for something, because of the effort required on our part?  Many of our daily irritations, whether directed at our spouse or kids, spring from this fear of work. Many of the stresses we experience in work and life are due to fears we have about the taxing of our resources, whether it be time, energy, or something else. The other way fear is influenced by us is by the appropriateness of our actions.  We fear that which makes us lowly esteemed in the eyes of others. We typically know this as shame and embarrassment. We are afraid of the appraisals of others. How often do we worry about what others might think about the car we drive, or the clothes we wear, or how likable we are? In regard to the object feared, certain aspects of a thing will contribute to its fearfulness, such as:  the magnitude, the unpredictability, and the newness of an experience. All of these aspects of an object or situation feared will make it more fearful. What people or situations, being unpredictable, bring you hesitation? What situations seem way too big for you? Do you avoid new, and unfamiliar experiences? Oh, how often we retreat back to the comfortable!

            A few comments would be appropriate in any discussion of fear.  First, when we are overcome with fear, we are reduced in our capacity to choose properly.  Common experience will remind us of the things we did or did not do out of fear. And had it not been for fear we would have done otherwise.  So, one might aptly conclude that fear diminishes our humanity to the degree that we are hindered in our ability to choose. For to choose is one of the essential markers of what it means to be human. This is why learning to cope with fear is so crucial to our development.  If fact, many of the psychoanalytic models have fear and anxiety as the driving force behind neurosis. This is because fear or anxiety may become associated with a certain normal human need or drive.   When this occurs, we respond to these needs or drives in ways to ward off the anxiety. However, problems can occur when the ways we are reacting are not very suitable to our present situations.  But we are often stuck in these patterns of behavior because of the fixed fearful associations.   This also has the effect of limiting our choice of behaviors as these patterns become more fixed in our character structure.

            Next fear, like all emotions, can affect or skew how we see and think about situations.  One who is in the confines of fear will have a much different outlook on a situation than one who is more confident.  This means that fear can significantly affect our perceptions and judgements of situations.   Additionally, we can also learn a lot about what sort of things we are attached to by what we fear.  My adolescent fears the loss of game time, so one could correctly surmise that he is fairly well attached to video games. Finally, we can grow to take on more fear. As riding a bike can become a second nature to the child, so is fear an action that can become a second nature.  This simply means we can grow in our fearfulness. It becomes more ingrained in our characters.  

            So how do we go about combating fear?  First of all, we should remind ourselves that we are all growing (this is very important as it provides a rational structure to our fear.  We do not want to be controlled by fear, and one way out of its control is to revert back to our reasoning powers by adding to the fear a rational component).  We continue to grow throughout the duration of or lives. Because of the plastic nature of our souls, as well as our perfectibility, we should never stop striving to grow.  This, our nature demands. None of us will ever reach our full potential. But we can strive to be perfect, as He is perfect. Christ is the model that we strive to emulate.  I use perfect here in a certain sense, the sense the scholastic philosophers used perfect. This means the complete conforming of our soul’s faculties or powers to their created design and usage.  In other words, we strive to develop and pattern our intellect, will, and emotions, and behaviors to the created ideal. Granted we are often prevented on this journey of perfection. There are no shortages of fears that crop up along the way that seem to force us to retreat.  We must recognize that we, as image bearers of God, must do all that we can to grow into the people that we are designed to be. This is a moral imperative. We have a moral obligation, a duty, to tend to the fields of our lives and cultivate them as best as we can. We should not let fear of work, or the magnitude of the object feared intimidate us into retreat. We cannot enter the promised land and have rest until we first enter and settle the land. But there are numerous obstacles, barriers, and enemies we will encounter along the way.  

            This brings us to hope.  Without hope, there is no conquering fear.  Hope is the power within us that allows us to believe that we can prevail through difficult times. As Christians we do not put our hope in things of this world, but in God. This allows us to bring a Godly perspective and order to our lives because we look at our circumstances through the perspective that transcends our finite conditions.  We can live without fear because our eyes are fixed on Him, and we will have a long-term perspective.  When hardships press upon us, we trust that our loving God is involved and is shaping us into the image we were created to manifest. We know that shaping and pruning can be a painful process.  But because something is hard and painful does not make it bad (remember we stated above, fear often stems from the hard and the difficult). It may make it harder for us to receive, but it nonetheless can be just what we need. In other words, we can imbue our fearful situations with a meaning and hope that transcends our private little worlds.    

            Another instrument to help us combat fear, is a what the Christian tradition calls holy detachment.  We do not cling too tightly to the things of this world. Paul said “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want”. Temporal goods are not the things we live for. They can be nice and very pleasing to us, but we do not hold them too tightly. Their loss can even be our gain. When we are not too attached, we are not fearful of their loss. They are not the reason or purpose of our existence.  A mentor told me one time, “the more you have, the more you have to lose”. His point was that the more we have, the more the steaks are increased, and this has no small part to play in generating the fear and anxiety of our lives. Not only material things, but damage to our egos can cause us fear.   Do you hold your ego too tightly? Remember, the Lord loves a humble and contrite heart.

            Another thing we can do is to increase our abilities, skills, or exposure to fearful experiences.  My oldest son was terrified of the swimming pool when he was very young. But after enough good experiences, and developing the ability to swim, he became very comfortable with getting in the pool. The same goes for most everything, as we gain experience and abilities, we become more comfortable in doing the hard things.  There are no shortcuts; we must learn and develop in order to adapt. This is one reason why there are free public schools. We cannot contribute to the common good if we do not develop ourselves.  And if we do not contribute to the common good, then we are limited as to what goods we are welcome to receive. “You get out of it what you put into it”. Are you struggling in a particular area?  Then learn the necessary skills required to function without fear. You can start out small and work up to larger situations. Always challenge yourself in an area you fear. The damaging thing with fear is that by retreating we rob ourselves of the necessary experiences required for our growth.  But we all have limitations, and there will be some things that we just cannot do. It’s been said that a sign of maturity is when we can accept our own limitations. When we have given all our effort and simply cannot develop the necessary skills, we can turn to the resources around us. God, friends, family, and other social networks that can be developed are a tremendous asset in combatting fear. A three stranded cord is not easily broken.

           Another thing we can do is to keep a proper perspective, and not exaggerate the situation.  Regarding our fear of work or effort, Albert Ellis in his Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy brings out an important observation that we tend to exhibit low frustration tolerance, and because of that, we can “awfulize”, or dramatize our situations.  Many of us, when confronted with a situation, tend to exaggerate the magnitude of the experience. We “awfulize”, which means we tell ourselves that the situation is terrible – “it is so awful”. He recommends that we relabel the situation, so that we no longer think in terms of awful but merely inconvenient, unfortunate, or something along those lines.  This suggest that we tend to make certain things or situations too big, and ourselves too small.

            I also mentioned that our actions can cause us fear.  If we engage in activities that compromise our integrity, our consciences can gnaw at us.  A sense of guilty fear plagues our souls. Make it a habit of doing right in all aspects of your life and you will feel freer from the nagging anxiety which comes from a condemning conscience.  This goes not only for our overt actions, but our covert ones as well. Challenge yourselves in your thoughts and imaginations. Do not mingle with that which is bad; our sins will find us out. Many of us are experiencing trouble in our lives due to the consequence of some previous actions.  Never tire of seeking the good. If you hitch yourself with bad behavior, people, or situations, they are prime to bring more badness in your life. And this will bring a train of fear. This then, as mentioned earlier, can become embedded in our characters, and then fear will become an identity marker of our self concepts.

            No discussion on fear can ignore its good aspect.  Fear is an aid to our protection, hence it’s emergency function.  Looking at fear from an individual’s perspective, it is easy to see why we need fear.  Any parent can attest to the thankfulness they have for their child’s healthy sense of fear.  It has the obvious objective of preserving our life. But the same applies to the social sphere.  Not only does fear protect us as individuals, but it also protects us as groups, whether marriage, family, association, or community.  Actions have effects, or consequences; and there are certain actions that deliver harmful consequences that help protect our social goods: such as those that follow from murder, theft, destructive anger, or even just shunning a neighbor.  All these deliver back in kind a blow to the self. Any harm we dish out to the others as part of our common good, the same will be delivered back to us. So, fear can be a great teaching tool to motivate us to avoid harming the common good. It is in a similar vein that the good book says, “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom”.

 

Living Stones: Character Formation and Change

Rocks & Water

Water wears on stones – Job 14:19

It is good news indeed that this world is filled with an abundance of demonstrations that the things of life are essentially malleable. Even amidst the testimony of so many objects in nature that give all appearances that things are permanent and fixed, there is a slow current moving in the underbelly of life that churns and presses out new combinations through the various matrixes of existence. Although for many change can be disheartening and provoke anxiety, it none the less will happen, and we can have hope that it will. That is the essential condition of this world, the material world; material items do not remain the same, but are under constant movement from one state to another. Whether it is something coming into existence, or going out; whether something is altered, increased, or decreased, or simply changing locations, everything in this world is changing.

Perhaps condition is the operative word. Everything in this life is an effect of some previous event. And so we are all conditioned, and built up into the things that we are. Now as it relates to people, the thing that is built up and has this stable quality is what we call character. Our character can be thought of as the sum total of all our formed patterns of thinking, feeling, willing, and acting. This intricate network made from the actions of all our faculties forms a stable structure whereby the world, as well as ourselves, is able to recognize us. We develop consistent ways of being, and with all being, there are variations in the degrees to which one’s qualities get expressed.

Most adults, God willing, will come to realize that their character falls far short from perfection. Perfection is not just something we strive for, but it is something that our natures demands. Now there are many ways to define perfection, but the definition used here is in the sense of something being in a state in which it exists in the full flower of its being, that it lives in a state where all its members, qualities, and faculties are all expressed in unhindered realization; according to the nature that was bestowed upon it. By nature, each individual is what it is according to the class of species the individual belongs to. The species dictates to the individual what certain qualities are to be born on the individual, and perfection comes when these qualities are expressed to the fullness that its nature allows. The rose bush in full flower, with not a petal wilted or blemished, with all its colors and aromas in full radiance and splendor would be in perfection. We too as people have certain parts of our natures that need to be in full flower in order to have this perfection ourselves.  And each part has its corresponding needs that help facilitate this state of perfection.  One part is our organic bodily nature, and it has needs for things such as food, drink, shelter, warmth, health, etc. Another is the part we share with other animals, with the corresponding needs for things as companionship, reproduction, and care for the young. The last part relates to our spiritual natures, and here we have such needs as truth, beauty, goodness, society, and God.

Now, to complete our definition of perfection, we have to integrate these various aspects into a harmonious whole, into a unity; as a house divided cannot stand. So, we need some organizing principle that will provide the unifying activity. In metaphysics, one would call this the form, or perhaps the formal act when referring to our actions. It is the form that is the determining element, and the material refers to that which is indeterminate. So as we extend our thinking toward ourselves, most notably our volitional acts, we can say that the mind is the determining element, and our acts the indeterminate, that which is undetermined until the mind determines it. Much like water and ice cube trays; the water is the material, undetermined component and the trays are the formal, determining part. The tray gives shape and identity to the frozen water.

Now our minds, which are spirit, determine our lower faculties (not that our minds determine the nature of the faculties themselves, but only how they are used). As our mind, which is to say, our spiritual nature, is the organizing power, it is to the spiritual that we grant higher status, or priority if you will. In other words, we do not give priority to the body and its powers.  We only have to consider the struggle that parents have with their children to attest that we wish not to give priority to our lower faculties or powers.  Much of the struggle between the child and parent is over this issue – we teach our children self-control by having them inhibit certain impulses with the goal of having them better integrate into their social surroundings. In the same manner, it is our mind that provides this integration of our own powers or faculties. This is integrity. This is what separates humans from the rest of the world. Since the mind has for its proper object the truth, the mind needs to ensure that it conforms, or patterns our faculties (thinking, willing, feeling, and acting) according to the truth which is inherent in our very natures. We have already said that the spiritual, that is the mind, as the vehicle of truth (truth here is to include revealed truth), is the organizing principle. Therefore, as one lives a life that is not directed by their minds, meaning not in conformity to the truth of the nature bestowed on us by our creator, then one’s life gets disjointed. This is Sin. As we continue to live our lives without this unity, the effects of this disjointedness trickle down into our other powers. Soon our other powers or faculties are corrupted; corrupted in the sense that our members war against each other and no longer operate in the full vigor of their unification. This disintegration leads us ultimately down a path of disorder, confusion, waywardness, unrestraint, intemperate, lawlessness, disorganization, weakness, and insanity.   

This corruption cures-up if you will; it sets-up and solidifies. That is to say it gets embedded in our very characters, and more importantly, becomes part of our character formation. In other words, our character is the antecedent cause of further character formation. Many Christians have talked about the aptitude of sin to solidify, and become as armor if you will. I believe it was Luther who said he could see where one’s sins became petrified in one’s body. As our faculties get corrupted, or disorganized, they no longer act under the power of our control, since our mind and will lack unity. We will things we do not wish we willed. We feel things that we do not wish to feel such as envy, hatred, and jealousy. We do things we do not wish we did. So we no longer have control over the instruments of our bodies. All our faculties, yea, our very lives have become habituated in a sea of ruin, decay, or sin. We are stuck; we do not have the power to bind this all back together. Not only that, but our foolish minds are darkened. Even if we could put it all back together, we do not have the wisdom to know how it would go back together. This the Christian story has all too well attested to.

But thanks be to God, waters wear on stones. As it is said, “Not by power, nor by might, but by the spirit of the Lord”. And again, “we have this power in earthen vessels”. As have been witnessed in the past, and are witnessing again today, God is bringing life to the barren and wastelands in Israel. Pools and streams are forming in the desert areas. The Spirit is the power, the organizing principle, and the dessert supplies the material. Just like the gentle, balmy, buoyant and refreshing qualities of water can, over time, act as a chisel to chip, form, shape, buff, and polish a hardened rock, so too can this power in us start to thaw and soften our hardened flesh. The theological word for this is regeneration. We are being made over again, but this time God is putting things back together. God, using His means (some natural, some supernatural; some pleasant, and some agonizing) is shaping, buffing, and polishing us, as living stones. God is the conductor in our soul; he is bringing the music from all our faculties together into a melodic unity to restore man to the original design. But our soul has to be keyed to God or this unity will not occur. And unless we have this unity in our members, our characters will limp along in disjointed incongruity. And if living in disjointed incongruity, we are not living according to the nature God has bestowed upon us. And if we are not living according to our intended nature, then we are not being built up in perfection. And if we are not being built-up in perfection, then our joys will be stunted. And stunted joys is the cause of much of the turmoil that exists within ourselves and among our relations with others. 

 

Am I my Brother’s Keeper? Making our Relationships Safe

Lion Girl Pic

Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not willing to make her a public example, was minded to put her away privately – Matt. 1:19

            Perhaps the reason why God chose Joseph to be the Husband of Mary, and the father of Jesus, was because he was a just man; for “to do justice and judgment is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice” Prov. 21:3, and “the Lord loves justice” Is 61:8.  Joseph gives us a beautiful picture of justice which allows us to see how marvelously justice reflects the goodness of God’s character.  Not only that, but we can see why God also delights when we perform acts of justice ourselves – then we become a sweet smelling aroma.

            Justice is one of those amorphous like concepts that have various shades of meaning; some which apply in a judicial context and others in a moral one.  Justice has also developed broader and more nuanced meanings which reflect how the concept was applied during various stages of historical and theological development.  But if we can reduce justice to a more basic form, we could say it simply means to give everyone what is due to them.  This definition automatically carries us further down the judicial-moral-ethical stream into the pool of duties.  To give someone what is due to them conveys a sense of duty.  Now one cannot have a duty without there being a corresponding law that dictates the obligation of that duty.  In Joseph we see here the manifestation or embodiment of the greatest of commandments in the law: to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and strength; and to love your neighbor as yourself.  We are duty bound to love others as our self.  

             This story tells us that Joseph, being a just man, did not want to make a public example of Mary, but rather he wanted to separate from her privately.  What does this reveal about Joseph?  Joseph believed he was wronged, and therefore had the right to publicly accuse and denounce Mary.  But rather than bringing this harm on her, even though he felt wronged, he would rather protect her!  He wanted to protect her name, as “a good name is to be more desired than riches”.  What a beautiful revelation about the nature of a Godly character.  An idea that gets more developed throughout the New Testament, a Godly character strives to transcend the limits and demands imposed by self; and it seeks the good of others as much as the self – “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.

            No man is an island.  In other words no one can realize their own life to its fullest potential without the help of others.  Everyone must contribute to the social good, and likewise, everyone has access to the products and benefits of the social good.  Joseph realized that without a good name, Mary would be deprived from much of the social good that would otherwise be accessible to her.  Not only that, but this deprivation would also limit the opportunities that would allow her to reciprocate and bestow good on others in need.

            How many of us fail to paint others in the best possible light?  Beware, for when we do, we diminish the social credit available to them, whether this is in the form of friends, contacts, job opportunities, etc.  As sin is opposed to the law and commandments, sin in us naturally disposes us to operate against this love of justice.  We see it in young kids all the time.  If fact, it seems like my wife and I are constantly confronting our kids about the way they talk about each other; whether it be tattling, or putting each other down.  Unfortunately it does not end in childhood.  Most of us have just grown more sophisticated in the dark arts of making others look bad.  How excellent we are in bringing up the flaws and blunders of others; whether it is our friends, peers, family relatives, or co-workers.  We never seem to fail to spotlight their flaws or mistakes.  We have become proficient tradesmen in the guilds of gossip, tale-bearing, backbiting, and reviling.  Oh how different our environments would be if we, like Joseph, were diligent in protecting the reputation and character of others rather than relishing in their not so great moments.  

          Even if I was wronged, what can I do today, nay must I do, because I am duty bound to create a safe place for others around me?  What effect does being with a safe person have on me?  How can I attempt to produce the same effect in others?